


Tell Me You Love Me

by mrbarbacarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Episode: s17e22 Intersecting Lives, Episode: s18e07 Next Chapter, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 02:02:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12288867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrbarbacarisi/pseuds/mrbarbacarisi
Summary: Sonny knew Rafael loved him. So why was he trying to break his heart?





	Tell Me You Love Me

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Without Your Heart To Hold](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12260913) by [mrbarbacarisi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrbarbacarisi/pseuds/mrbarbacarisi). 



> This is a companion piece to Without Your Heart To Hold. You don't need to read that first, but it should be on your list after you finish this one!

Sonny never thought he would have any of this. A career as a successful detective. A warm, loving, and kind boyfriend. 

He had fought so hard and so long to achieve his career goals. He was so relieved when he finally stayed at Manhattan SVU for more than a month. The squad respected him and valued his opinion. He was able to help the people who needed it the most every day.

The job had also led him to his amazing boyfriend. Rafael Barba was a true specimen of the human species. He had never hoped to live up to his standards. Yet here he was, sitting across from the seasoned ADA while eating a shared dinner.

But the circumstances of this particular meal weren’t all that happy. Sonny had been in a state of semi-panic ever since Rafael had told him about the death threats. He was glad Rafael accepted him as a part of his security. Being able to see physical evidence that Rafael was okay did wonders to his nerves.

"I'm not worth this amount of effort, you know," Rafael said.

Sonny refrained from rolling his eyes. Rafael was really too humble for his own good sometimes. "That's nonsense. You're worth a lot." 

If Sonny had any say, he would have asked for Secret Service protection. Surely being an ADA would give him some pull. As it was, just Sonny alone was the bare minimum. If only the idiot hadn’t given out his _real_ home address. _Why_ would he ever think that was a genuinely good idea? Sonny blamed all those Broadway plays for Rafael’s theatrics.

Sonny had just cleared their plates from the table when Rafael’s calm voice made him pause.

"We need to talk,” he said. No differently than he would present facts in court. Seemingly oblivious to how the words made Sonny’s stomach flip due to an entirely different kind of nerves.

"What about?" 

Rafael took in a breath. "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Sonny couldn’t parse the sentence. It did not compute. So he tried to play it off. "Well, that'll be a little hard with work and all.”

"You know what I mean."

"Um, no. I actually don't. Where is this coming from, Rafi?" 

How could they go from laughing and teasing in bed the night before to _this_? What had Sonny done wrong in the past 24 hours?

"It's coming from me. We should end this." His eyes were hard and a little sad. It was pity. For him.

"End what? Our relationship?"

"Yes," Rafael said. 

"Why? What changed? You were happy yesterday and _now_ you want to break up with me?"

Rafael sighed. "I'm sorry. I should have done this much earlier."

" _What?_ " Sonny spat. "When?"

The past six months had some of the happiest moments of his life. And Rafael took all of that way with just one simple phrase. Sonny started to replay their entire relationship, trying to figure out where it went wrong.

"Please don't make this harder. It's better this way."

"But I-I love you.” Now his eyes were burning. No. He would _not_ cry while being dumped. He was a goddamn police officer. He could take it.

"I know," Rafael said.

Only this man could accidentally reference _Star Wars_ during a serious conversation. Sonny really _really_ wished he was being frozen in carbonite instead of being rejected by Rafael Barba. At least then he wouldn’t be able to feel the pain.

"And I thought you loved me too,” Sonny said, searching for an answer in his eyes.

Rafael had never gone so far as to say the words, but Sonny could tell he did. He could tell through the gentle kisses and whispered compliments. He could tell through grand gestures like expensive Broadway tickets and exclusive Mets seats. He could even tell through his sarcasm and their legal debates. Sonny _knew_ Rafael loved him. So why was he trying to break his heart?

"You'll find someone else who will love you," Rafael said. "You're a catch."

“ _Someone else._ Are you serious?" Sonny stood and yanked on his jacket. Now he wanted Sonny to go find a _consolation prize._ Like that would make him feel whole again. "I'll call for an officer to relieve me."

"Do what you have to do."

Oh, now he was being _nice_. Now he was acting like _Sonny_ was the unreasonable one. Like he wasn’t allowed to have an emotional reaction after being dumped out of the clear blue _freaking_ sky six months into a happy and stable relationship. Sonny couldn’t believe this was the same man he had fallen in love with.

"God,” he scoffed. “You're a real asshole. A big one."

He marched out the door. He was a little proud of himself for not looking back over his shoulder. Maybe that made up for his awkward insult. It probably didn’t. Sonny didn’t have the talent for jabs and barbs that Rafael did. There was nothing he could have said that would have caused him as much pain as Sonny felt in that moment.

  


* * *

  


After that, Sonny avoided Rafael like the plague. He couldn’t stand to see his face. All smug and happy. Like nothing had changed. And maybe nothing had for Rafael. Maybe Sonny had just imagined that he had loved him back. It wouldn’t have been the first time. Going by his track record, it probably wouldn’t be the last either.

When he was forced to be in the same room with him for more than a couple minutes, Sonny argued with him. But this wasn't the same as their somewhat flirty arguments. He tried to eviscerate Rafael with his words. Tried to make him see that he was the better lawyer. Tried to show him that he didn't need him in his life. That he was whole and happy without him. He wasn't sure whether it worked or not. 

"Hey Sonny, you alright?" Amanda asked about two months after the break up. 

"I'm fine. Why?"

"I don't know. You just seem kinda down lately."

He shrugged. "These cases have been a little rough for me." 

It wasn't a complete lie. He always had difficulty closing himself off from pain, even if the pain wasn't his own. 

She gave him a sad, knowing smile. ”Try not to take the job home with you, okay? It won't end well."

He nodded. "I'll do my best." 

He did do his best, but some cases stuck in his mind more than others. Rafael used to be able to distract him. What he really wanted was to take their ADA home with him again. But that was over. Maybe Amanda had a point.

  


* * *

  


Sonny could still feel where the barrel of Tom Cole's pistol had pressed into his skin. Hard, cold, and unforgiving. 

He had already thanked God a thousand times. Not for Cole's death, but for Sonny's life. He lamented that Cole did not live to see justice served, but he was forever thankful that he made it out unscathed. He could still help people. He could see his family. He could cook for Amanda. He could lay his eyes on Rafael again. He could live his life just a little longer. Everyone was on borrowed time, especially in his line of work. 

Sonny poured himself into the job. The cases were a welcome distraction. Helping people always made him feel centered. Grounded. He knew his purpose. 

If he broke out into a cold sweat at the possibility of drawing his firearm, no one noticed. If his heart went absolutely haywire when he _did_ draw it, he hid it well. What happened with Cole wasn’t anything new. He had guns aimed at him before. The Lieu even _killed_ the guy, but she wasn’t affected. There was no reason to worry anybody. He would get over it eventually. He would have to. 

He was fine — until he wasn’t. 

Sonny arrived early to the precinct one morning to catch up on paperwork. He was the first person there. Benson walked in about half an hour later. 

"You're here early, Carisi," she commented. 

He shrugged. "Paperwork. Rather come early than stay late."

"That's not a bad idea." She went to prepare her coffee in the kitchenette.

 _Bang!_

A door elsewhere in the precinct slammed shut. During normal hours, the sound wouldn't have registered. In the peaceful quiet of the morning, it was deafening.

"Well, good morning to you too," Benson muttered into her coffee. 

Sonny barely heard her. The sound reverberated in his ears. He felt cold and numb. He couldn't catch his breath. It was like a bad dream.

From a distance, he registered someone calling his name. Then, a warm touch to his shoulders, his arms. The Lieutenant was across from him on the other side of his desk. 

"Sonny, focus on me, okay? It'll be over soon, I promise."

"What?" he croaked. He couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. There was a sharp pain in his chest. Is this what dying felt like? 

"I think you're having a panic attack. But it'll pass. Just try to breathe."

He nodded and tried to take deeper breaths. It didn't work. His hands started to tremble. 

"You're okay. You're with me. You're safe."

He focused on her warm, soothing voice for what felt like forever. Then finally, his breathing slowed. Warmth returned to his body. His vision cleared. Benson's hands were still on his arms when he fully came back to himself. 

"Feeling better?" she asked. 

"Yeah." He let out a long breath. Relief crashed over him. He was back in control. Everything would be fine. 

“Good. I’m glad,” she gave him a warm smile before becoming more serious. “Has anything like this happened before?”

Sonny shook his head. “Uh, no. That was the first time.”

“Okay. You should go home, Carisi.”

"What? No, I'm fine."

"You just had a panic attack. You are not fine. Take the day. Get some rest. I'll see what I can do to get you to the right therapist."

"Therapist?"

"You need help, Sonny. You've been off since Tom Cole. I should have noticed before. Go home. Take the paperwork with you if you want, but you can’t be here. Understood?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “I get it. Loud and clear. I’m going.”

Even though he didn’t like it, the Lieu knew what she was talking about. Later that day, she called him with a number for a therapist that specialized in victims of gun trauma and PTSD. He didn’t argue when Benson told him to see her as soon as possible.

Talking did help, it turned out. Within weeks, he was cleared for field work. Sonny still struggled, but he didn’t feel like he was drowning in his emotions anymore. He felt a little relieved when the Doc told him that he was her easiest case. That meant he would get better faster. He could do his job. He didn’t have to worry about being transferred yet again.

There were still bad days. Days when he would jump at cars backfiring or doors slamming. But those were fewer and fewer as time went on. He liked having someone he could speak with honestly about what happened, even if he was paying her. He could rant to her freely about everything that caused him stress. It took a lot of the weight off his shoulders.

But he never told anyone the thought that had consumed his mind the moment his life was threatened: Rafael. How he missed him. How he wished he could look at him now without feeling heartache. He never told anyone that even seven months after the break up, he still felt alone and angry. Sonny couldn’t help thinking that he would have coped better if Rafael were there. And he _definitely_ never told anyone that on particularly bad days, he longed for strong arms to wrap around him as he drifted off to sleep.

  


* * *

  


It was on one of those particularly bad days that Sonny was rudely awoken by a sharp knock at his door. He glanced at the clock and groaned. It was nearly 11 p.m. He checked his phone. No one from the squad had called or texted. Hopefully, whoever was at the door, it wasn’t about work. He really hoped it wasn’t his neighbor’s drunk boyfriend at the wrong door again. That was not fun to handle.

Reluctantly, Sonny rolled out of bed and trudged through his apartment. He opened the door once he reached it, fully ready to tell whoever it was to go away. He was startled completely awake when he saw Rafael standing there.

“Raf- Barba, what are you doing here?” he asked. The last time Sonny had seen him outside his door was when they were still together. The association had his head spinning.

Rafael winced and then spoke softly. “Hey, Sonny. Can I come in?”

“Why?”

“Just let me come in for a minute. I’ll explain.”

Sonny narrowed his eyes at him. Rafael seemed a little desperate. Whatever this visit was about, it was personal. He was not looking forward to what he had to say. Still, he moved aside. Rafael walked over the threshold. Sonny closed the door. 

“What is it?”

“I- you almost died,” Rafael replied. Quite awkwardly. That was different.

“Um, no I didn’t. I’m totally fine.” That day had been rather uneventful, despite his swirling emotions. Just a lot of interviews and bad leads.

“No. You did. Tom Cole.”

Sonny froze. The name no longer caused him much pain, but he was caught in the memory for a moment. Then, he was confused. Didn’t Rafael know? Why was he coming to him with this now?

“You know that was three months ago, right?”

“Well, I was kept in the dark until tonight,” Rafael sighed.

“Did you come over here just to tell me that? Thanks for the concern, but I’m fine.”

“I love you,” Rafael blurted. 

“What?” 

_Now_ he says it? Really? Rafael found out he almost died and suddenly found it in himself to love him? Now. Not during the entire six months they had been together. Not during the seven months they had been apart. Sonny didn’t believe him. This was just more pity.

“I love you,” Rafael repeated. “I have been in love with you for two years. If you had died, you wouldn’t have known that.”

“So you were lying before?”

“By omission. I never said that I _didn’t_ love you. But I led you to believe I didn’t care. And that is _so_ far from the truth.”

Sonny stared at him and then sighed. “I’m not getting back with you just because you feel guilty or whatever about me not dying. So you can go.” 

“I was wrong,” Rafael said.

Okay. There was something else had had never heard. Rafael admitting he was wrong for once. What a world. 

Sonny crossed his arms. “Yeah? About what?”

“About leaving you. I thought you would be better off without me. I thought you could find someone else who would make you happier. Who could…give you children to love.” 

Sonny raised his eyebrows at that. Rafael had been thinking about _kids_? 

“I didn’t think you should ever sacrifice yourself just for me when you had so much to give to the world,” Rafael continued. “I’m not worth that.”

Rafael stood very still. Sonny just stared. 

This man. This man who apparently loved him. He had dumped him because of some potential future Sonny could have with someone else. That wasn’t a consolation prize to Rafael. To him, _he_ was second best. He had been setting Sonny free. 

Rafael was thinking about the future. He wanted Sonny for the long haul. Sonny definitely wanted that too. But instead, Rafael had put them both through months of heartbreak. All because this Harvard-educated lawyer was actually the dumbest person on the planet.

Sonny laughed. “Oh wow. You truly are a giant idiot.”

“Yeah. I guess so.” Rafael gave him a tentative smile.

“I mean, we can always adopt.”

Rafael laughed. “If that’s what you want.”

Sonny crossed the two feet that separated them and wrapped his arms around Rafael. He melted into him immediately. Rafael groaned as Sonny kissed him. Sonny’s body flooded with warmth. He had missed being this close to him. Being with him. Nothing compared. And Rafael had taken this away from both of them.

After a few moments, Sonny slowly pulled away. “I know I just kissed you, but I’m still really mad at you, Rafi.”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael murmured. “I’m so sorry.”

“You better make it up to me.”

“I plan to. Every single day for as long as you’ll have me.”

Sonny chuckled. “You’re such a romantic.”

“I’m overcompensating.”

“Nah. I think you’re compensating just enough.”

Rafael smirked. “Shut up and kiss me.”

Sonny did. He always would. He would do anything to make Rafael happy as long as they both lived. Even when he behaved like a complete idiot.


End file.
